Part 1: The Wanderer
Now that April has arrived again, I’m reminded of what a difficult month it was for me three years ago. I was taking care of my newborn twins and my two older sons—all while dealing with postpartum depression.On top of that, I was trying to help my dying friend. I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from witnessing my friend dying in my arms. She had stage 4 cancer, and by the time we got to the hospital it was too late. It had spread like fire and we couldn’t put it out. But God. We contended for her healing, we cried, laughed, even had our last dance party together. As I look back on it now, I had so much faith that the Lord would heal her and we would move forward in this life like before, but maybe with more intentionality with each other and the Lord.
Before she came to live with me and my family, she tried many other methods of healing, but her body just wasn’t working anymore. Do you know what it’s like to see someone deteriorate before your eyes? I have seen it twice. One is with a current loved one and the other has already gone to be with the Lord. It has tested my faith beyond anything I could ever imagine. My heart aches even now. My flesh is fighting against my spirit, trying to convince me that what I believe isn’t true—that my God isn’t a miracle-working God. But I cannot accept that. I will not accept that. If the Bible is God’s Word and if He is the Word,and if He is Truth, then why didn’t my friend come back to life? Why is it that we have to go through so much trauma to get to the truth, to get to life? Why do we have to die in order to live? Philippians 1:20-22 says, “ I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!”
The Lord was kind to me that last precious month I had with my friend, and He always is. He gave me a dream a month prior my friend's death and showed me that our prayers were not in vain—that He gave her a choice to either go back or to stay with Him and suffer no more. She chose to leave this earth to be with her Maker. My heart swells with both sadness and love for my dear friend. For she suffered greatly on this earth. I can barely comprehend it sometimes. The last days she was on this earth, she repented of everything she did or said that was against the Lord. Everything that was hurtful toward others. I want my life to be like that. I want my heart and my mind to draw near to the Lord in that way. She laid everything down at the cross once again before she left this side of eternity.
Will we do the same? Those who have been left behind to continue on this journey. Will we repent of our grievances against the Holy Spirit. Will we take this precious gift that has been given to us by Christ’s blood and share that hope with others? Will we live our lives to die daily to our flesh, even if that means to suffer greatly for the sake of the gospel?
I was able to minister to my friend in a way she wouldn’t have let me otherwise and I was able to grow in a way I never thought possible. I washed her feet, fed her, bathed her, talked and laughed with her, forgive her, loved on her. I am not saying all these things to puff myself up; I just wanted to take care of my friend. I wanted her to be okay. I wanted to help her in anyway I could while she suffered silently and wrestled daily with the Lord. I miss her so much, and I wish she didn’t go. But she paved the way for so many of us to follow. In everything she did, she did unto the Lord. She laid down her life to show her family, her tribe, her people that there is hope beyond the grave, beyond abuse, beyond neglect, beyond drugs and our sexual identity—and His name is Jesus. He is pure, good, trustworthy, faithful and brings justice to all.
I’ve been avoiding writing a post like this because it carries so much weight in it, but now I see that even in the most painful and glorious parts of my story, and everyone’s story, is that there is gold throughout each chapter.